Why I’d Sooner Try Defying Gravity
For my first post, I wanted to be dynamic, attention-grabbing, strike hard so it would sit in your mind and you wouldn’t forget to come back.I wanted to show that I was defying gravity. And then I had to think of a title and a subject.
I knew overall what I wanted to say. I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, was the reason I wanted to do this, the purpose, the passion, the why. But jeez writing that first post is like sitting at base camp, looking upwards and realising you are about to climb Mount Everest and you’ve struggled to climb the stairs for the past 3 years.
And there was my point. Taking that first step, that leap of faith is always the hardest. But you’ve just got to take that step to start the journey.
So let me tell you why.
In 2012 I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) after a few traumatic events. I was ok but just not functioning too well and didn’t really have much support around me to make sense and try to understand what was actually going on in my mind when the fuzzy phases would strike. I was expected to just step up, be strong and snap out of it. Instead, I just sort of muddled through the best I could and kept it to myself.
And then 2013 happened.
I had just started to see the light after my bout of PTSD. Things weren’t quite so fuzzy anymore and the dark days were far less frequent. I finally felt like things were going to be ok.
And then life changed forever.
The trauma of 2012 was absolutely nothing in comparison to what happened next. Two massively life changing events. The first was prolonged and went on for months. The second, a sudden shock so big it made everything around me stop. In that single moment, my life changed forever.
This isn’t the time or the place to go into the details. Some are just too bad and not for public consumption and some for legal reasons can’t be aired and shall remain confidential.
The fuzzy clouds returned and for a few months I didn’t really know what was happening on a day to day basis. I just sort of went with it and winged it most days so I could get to the point of going back to bed, sleep and then attempt another day. For four months I lived like that.
Then one day I got the answers to the million and one questions I had whizzing round my mind. I got clarity and suddenly years of confusion and not knowing why certain things were the way they had been made sense.
2014 was going to be different.
But first I had a duvet day and a sulk. I can’t remember why I was sulking in the first place but I was lying on the sofa watching old episodes of Glee. And then Rachel and Kurt sang the song. That song. The one where all the words make sense.
It hit me. It wasn’t my own mind that was weighing me down because I did not want to live in that fuzzy state. It was the minds of those around me (the past and present) that were pulling me down. Love that was long since lost that was not worth the price I was still paying for it. I was never going to recover and be on the path I wanted to be on whilst I was surrounded by this negativity.
The only problem was, I didn’t have much choice at that moment in time but to be there. I needed a way out.
And so began my leaps of faith. I wanted to defy gravity. I was not going to be pulled down any longer.
I started my business in early 2014 with just £25 in the bank.
I got rid of the toxic, lying, cheating scumbag boyfriend.
I took amazing holidays with my daughter.
I turned around so many parts of my life.
But I was carrying something around with me that was always going to come back at some point.
I was always worried of the PTSD occurring again but that seemed to be under control. But I was increasingly having moments, episodes of huge self-doubt, self-loathing, zero self-worth and fear so great that I sometimes spent whole days just staring at my computer screen not knowing what to do.
There was nothing specific that I could put my finger on that was causing this. It was just happening.
Then I went to New York in September 2015 and you can read about that here.
What I don’t mention in that article is the massive anxiety attack I had one night that left me literally not wanting to leave my hotel room and spending a good part of the day after avoiding people.
It floored me. I had no idea where this had come from and when I flew home a couple of days later I knew I was still suffering from the after-effects of this anxiety attack.
It didn’t go away and lingered for some time. Luckily though having been through PTSD I know when to seek help rather than fester on it.
After much probing and questions and talking it transpired that my bout of PTSD had now manifested into acute abandonment anxiety. Actually, it was more than likely that this had been festering under the surface for some years, probably even before the PTSD.
My trip to New York had been a massive leap of faith as I plunged myself into an environment that didn’t overly sit well with me, with a whole bunch of absolute strangers. It turns out that dealing with rude, self-centred, egotistical wankers for a week was enough to set my anxiety levels into overdrive.
Don’t get me wrong, not everyone on that trip was that bad. Some were actually amazingly really nice and I made some fantastic new friends. I also encountered some people that literally made me realise just how awful the human race can now be that so many are just fame hungry whores and have zero respect for others.
But I’ve now gotten to the point that my anxiety is far more under control and I don’t feel as nervous or fazed out by these things. I’ve actually come to realise that I’m the good guy here and those egotistical arseholes that felt the need to look down at me and be damn right rude to me are the ones with the real problems. My problem was that I just took it and didn’t stick up for myself.
So 2015 became the year I learnt that asking for what I want has far better results than just keeping quiet. For the times I have taken a leap of faith and asked or done, most of the time it worked out pretty ok. Sure nobody died!
But my anxiety can still be set off by a text not being answered quick enough, a missed call not returned, an email not replied to, a person being rude or disrespectful or not considering my feelings. I take it as a reflection on me and that it’s about me and that the other person somehow doesn’t value me and wishes to abandon me. My fuzzy brain then eventually realises that the problem is with them and not me. But sometimes the fuzzy brain just takes its time to figure that out. But it’s getting faster by the day.
Now, heading into 2016 I aim to take leaps of faith like never before. I will say the previously unsaid. Do things that others are not brave enough to do. Ask for what I want. But most of all, I will not let others bring me down. And sure if they try to then they may find themselves the topic of my blog posts!
I’m even heading to San Francisco in a few weeks to an event the same as the one in New York, with all the same people. That should be rather interesting. Or at least make for an entertaining blog post because the first person that is rude or disrespectful towards me will be getting it both barrels and any others be warned – you will not bring me down.
And that is why I want you to join me on this journey. I want you to defy gravity too. Close your eyes and leap and if we fall then we do it together. But we won’t let things pull us down.
Overcoming anxiety is a difficult thing and sometimes you need to see others try and maybe even fail. But get back up and try again, to realise that you can do it too. It’s not easy and many of those closest to you struggle to even understand how you feel inside let alone the immense courage it takes to take a leap of faith.
But together we can do it. So are you with me?
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